I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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