i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
