We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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