Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
