two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
