Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
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Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
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We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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