It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
