I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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