i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
