I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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