allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
