Your dad touched me again.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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