i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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