I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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