He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
