the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
