Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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