Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
