so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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