my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
