Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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