Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize