Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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