is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
is it fun? or sober?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
