she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
