I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
