ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
