Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
