We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
