Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
