I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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