Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
