so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
