eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
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Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
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I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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