Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
