so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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