literally had 100 drinks last night.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
