i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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