Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
