Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I don't deserve a penis
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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