If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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