Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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