He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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