Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
