Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
