Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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