I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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