And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
