Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
