the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
