you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
