God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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